Tonight to Hell With Everything Else, We'll Drink Hard, We'll Drink to Outselves

I told her that life was funny, which is a realizations I seem to be coming to more and more these days, I told her that life was funny, but mostly it was mundane. That days come and they go and every one of them is so much like the other yet each keeps us moving forward. That no single day holds some triumphant or tragic accomplishment but when looked at through a time line it is amazing the distances that were traveled.

She said she already knew, that all of us do really. She said it was like seeing a pubescent cousin for the first time in a year or two, that when you picture them in your mind they are short, hairless, timid. But now, after all that time, they sit across from you at the Christmas dinner table, tall, dark, sounding much like a man, but not quite yet. An evening shadow of themselves upon the ground.

And that's what this post is, a picture of your cousin, all grown up, not quite there yet, but surely more along then before. This is that end of the year post when I try to figure out just what the hell happened.

In one year I have:

• Gotten my heart broken and recovered.
  
• Backpacked across Europe.
• Fallen in love with a woman and asked her hand.
  
• Moved across an ocean to Granada, Spain.
• Written a book about it all.
  

It is all pretty weird to think about, even weirder to type it all out and see it before me. I, for what might be the first time, am proud of myself. But there is something inside of me, something that even through this past year has not left... I do not feel accomplished. This is not to say that I am not happy with the things that I have done, my peacock feather as quite furled right now. But sitting here now, in front of my computer as I do every morning to write, I do not feel accomplished. There is still so much more. Let me try to explain better...

It is as if, for years, I have starving, hungrier beyond belief, and for twenty-five years I had only snacked, only nibbled at food, gone off to college, partied here, traveled there, moved to Philadelphia, a couple of good poems written every once in a while. But this year, this year was the first time I have ever feasted, and oh how I gorged! I sat at life's dinner table and licked my third fourth fifth plate clean. I ate dessert, drank a cup of coffee, and skipped home. But the unavoidable truth is, I will be hungry again. No matter how much you eat, you will be hungry again... and I am a growing boy, I eat a lot. And that is what I feel, not hungry, not yet, but I have the knowledge that I will again need to feed.

And I couldn't be happier about it. I'd hate to be one of those people who fill themselves that once, become satisfied and then become complacent and go back to snacking. I feel unaccomplished because there is still so much more to do. I just feel blessed at the moment because I have found someone who is just as hungry as I, and isn't afraid to feast.

There is another feeling too, one of elation, one that keeps me pretty high afloat, and it is this: while a large majority of my generation (and all others) reads books about adventure, and watches movies about romantic love and giving it all up for love, and listens to songs about how trite normal life is and how they just want to buy a plane ticket and run away, or posts pictures in their blogs/tumblrs of places where they would rather be...

...I lived it.

And that is why, when ringing in 2011, I can pat myself on the back.

Forgive me is that seems like gloating. It truly isnt my intention to do so. I have been long past the point of caring what anyone thinks enough to feel the need to gloat, plus anyone that I would ever feel the need to bolster myself to certainly doesnt read this blog. Also, forgive me if it seems like I'm pointing any fingers. That isnt my intention either. I am just simply proud of myself, because this year, I did exactly what I always wanted to, damned the concequences, and I got more then I could have ever dreamed for as a result. And then I wrote it all down.

If you would have told me a year ago that I would be here now... its just so crazy to think about.

365 days ago I was miserable. Drinking alone at bars dreaming of places I would rather be.

Today, I am in Spain with a beautiful woman who I've fallen for.

Maybe I am gloating.

I love you all. I truly hope that you all have gotten exactly what you wanted for Christmas and out of 2010.

Thank you to everyone who has been writing letters and keeping up with me on Facebook. Shout out to Momatron and Greg, I miss you guys. Shout out to the bff in Queens, Matt. And big shout out goes to all you who made this year what it is, its been a long string of events for me and if you were a part of it thank you, truly.

Heres to a hundred years and if the drink should fall let it fall for the drinker.