Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Ladies, If Your Man Can't Stand You One Week Out of a Month, You Only Have Three/Fourths of a Man


When I was about 7 years old, maybe younger, I went to the bathroom, dropped trou, lifted the toilet seat, and saw what either was excess rasberry jam, or the remnent of some horrible boo-boo.


It was my mothers used tampon.


I ran, crying, to her. Confused. The world is so big when you are that young. So I was enlightended. My mother, who has never been a person to spare the details, told me in length about a woman's mentrual cycle.


I am not sure if that is where it started, but for a while now. Ever since I have been sexually active. I have been completely infatuated with a womans period. Which, apparently is really strange.


From what I gather, dudes are normally completely grossed out by the mentrual juices. Is it really some embarrassing taboo? These are probably the same dudes that have an interest in anal. These are the dudes that use the terms "on the rag," and "Aunt flo has come to visit," and "the painters are redecorating" (I read just now, "My girlfriend is on the George Michael").


To be honest, I get excited about that time of the month. I mean, sexually excited. I look forward to her period. The bigger the better. I dont want a light shower. I want torrential downpoars and ninety mile and hour PMS. You might not believe this, but I can actually smell it. I've actually been able to smell if a woman is on her period. Though, I will admit, this mainly works with larger girls and that just made me laugh.


The bottom line- I get aroused by a mentruating woman.


I turns me on. I dont really know why.


I suppose there is some sort of virginality (totally not a word, call up webster) to it. But virgins dont really do anything for me. Like asians and anal, some men go crazy for virgins. And like asians and anal, virgins just arent a fantasy of mine.


Maybe it have something to do with PMS and a hormonal imbalance. Sort of taming the beast within, like Bugs Bunny did to Taz with music, but with making the beast that hath two backs. As if, I can lull a woman, completely captivated by intemperate mood swings, with sex. Slay the dragon with my Excaliber, you know? I have found that it works. And it is rewarding, both in thanks and to just get some peace.


Another reason is that it just straight feels better. Blood is probably the best natural lube. Second maybe, only to spit. And from what I hear, the fresh lining being exposed of the vaginal wall are especially sensitive (though this doesnt make much sense to me, I was under the assumption that it was the uterine lining that was expelled during mentruation, which has nothing to do with my penis in the vagina never passing the cervix, maybe some girls out there can clear this up for me). Anyway, supposively it feels better for both parties.


Have you ever been to Sea World? Ever seen Shamu in the stadium? What are the first fifteen rows dedicated as? The Splash Zone. Where is the most fun place to sit while seeing Shamu? The Splash Zone. The splash zone is like a natural sex barometer to gauge how well you are preforming. Think of it this way, the bigger the whale, the bigger the splash. The higher the whale jumps, the bigger the splash.


If you got a little puddle under you when you are finished, a little red dribble, you didnt give it your all. You half assed that sex (maybe it was light flow day). But if you got a spray two feet behind you. If, post-coital, you have to get into the shower to wash above your belly button, above you knee caps, and your butt cheeks. If the bed looks like a crop-duster flew over and dropped marinara sauce. You gave a hundred and ten percent my friend.


So basically what I am trying to say is. Ladies, keep bleeding. Go a insane as you can possibly go. I'll be there to pick up the pieces. And if you got some dude who cant stand you for one week out of a month, well, you only have three/fourths of a man.


And Mom, give me a call later. I have to talk to you later about getting my phone turned back on. I love you.


9 comments:

  1. this is awesome. please don't ever stop writing such amazing stories.

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  2. i love how you just throw in a comment to your mom at the end

    but besides that. fucking hysterical

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  3. funny this brings back memories

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  4. Dude, you totally ravaged my blog topic! Only, not really and actually, really better. This is hilarious and makes my uterine lining peel off in joy.

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  5. I have been to sea world, and I have sat in the splash area. Let me tell you that water is fucking cold as hell,it doesn't compare to the amount of fun I have bathing in a womans homemade pomegranate juice.


    -your best friend ever<333

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  6. listen...

    i don't know you, I found you because I'm friends with Trevor and you commented on the PBC blog.

    but seriously man, shits gold.

    i think i love you. and your mom.

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  7. Your stories of blood and sea world only turn me on.
    Take me.

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  8. Take you where?

    I only have a half tank of gas and you dont have a coat.

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  9. great title. I'm getting a real kick out of this blog...

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