In my lifetime, in the unceasingly sort period of time that I have been alive, I have changed dramatically. Well, just about everything has changed, around my life, but that scope might be too much to take on for a blog, at least in this blog, at least for tonight.
When I was young, I didnt understand much about how the world works. That whether it be from some divine decree, or just the inherent randomness of molecules, that good and bad is liable to happen to both the good and the bad. So it didnt really matter much which you were, happiness and sadness will find you. And through a series of personally tragic events, I learned the comfort of hate, for my life, and for everything that influenced it.
Jaded is the word that I like to use.
When I was young. I feel in love. Romantic love. And for me, it was not so much that love was going to solve problems or keep the planet on axis. For me, it was to prove.
I had the overwhelming sense that I was going to do it right.
Because, no figure in reality, in my life, had succeeded in love. My parents divorced. My grandparents died. But I was going to flourish in their failure. I was going to prove to myself that love was possible.
In retrospect, I had no idea what love was. I dont even think I paid much attention to certain questions like 'who'. And it was through that negligence that I learned what I knew now.
When love failed. It wasnt that my heart was broken. A broken heart means little but a few drunken nights, some self-mutilation, and a couple of lost pounds. Time could heal those wounds, as time has a way of doing, and it did. So I can romantically love again.
But I have never been able to get over the deafening sense of regret. The regret that I ended up like them. That I couldnt prove to myself, to my parents, and to all that which contains a pulse, that true, unrequited love is. And that I was.
Now that I am older. I understand a little better the nature of love. That love can exist in spite of presence. That a love in the consciousness, can be forever, even if we are not.
But, this notion will always be a consolation prize for a child's dream.